


At Least She's Not in the Bath This Time

by BestAtBeingBad



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: An almost literal foodfight, Crack, Gen, Humor, Medb has a difficult day, Mommy Issues, Revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:17:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23400670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BestAtBeingBad/pseuds/BestAtBeingBad
Summary: An old enemy of Medb's ambushes her and her allies on a routine expedition. The situation is resolved in a less than expected way.
Kudos: 8





	At Least She's Not in the Bath This Time

**Author's Note:**

> I've been obsessed with Fate/Grand Order for the past month or so. However, I haven't even gotten past Septem, so forgive me if anybody here seems off!

“Oh dear, oh dear, none of these creatures have anywhere near the endurance needed to serve me properly~”

Medb pouted in boredom as she carelessly kicked away a zombie’s head, its gaping jaws getting a taste of some nearby bush leaves. “Such a shame, you know? I was hoping this outing would be a bit more eventful…”

“Mhm, I see what you mean. I have not once feared for our Master’s life in the slightest,” Raikou responded as she strutted forward, a serene smile on her face as she flecked more spots of blood off her sword. “It’s good that he’s safe and sound, but we’re going through the motions more than anything.”

“I mean, sometimes no news is good news, right?” Ritsuka scratched the back of his head, a lackadaisical smile on his face. “Sure beats having to take on soul-devouring crocodiles, at least.”

“Pfft. At least those had some life in them. We’re just cleaning up a bunch of corpses right now! I’m sure you’ve summoned some other-”

“Medb, watch out!”

Mash immediately charged in front of the Irish queen. As soon as she took one step in front of her, something broke against her colossal shield with a mighty clang. Though no major damage was done to her shield, a trail of smoke floated up from the point of impact. Medb’s eyes began darting around for the sniper, looking for a silhouette in the distance, but those honey-colored circles caught something unusual lying at Mash’s feet.

_Wait…are those bread crumbs?_

A hateful but pleasing voice sounded out in the distance as soon as she figured out what was happening. “Well, well, well…who do I find but the waste of skin who killed her sister – my mother, Clothru.” Another shot flashed from the trees, cutting through Medb’s rosy locks and making her flinch. As she dashed behind Mash’s shield along with Ritsuka, she looked at the carnage behind her and-

“An orange? _Excuse me?”_

“What’s the matter, kinslaying queen? Don’t you remember the last time I killed you?” As soon as the young man’s taunt finished, a dozen more shots of poorly preserved produce rocketed forth from the trees. Raikou jumped ahead of Mash and sliced all twelve to bits in an instant, and dry rinds of rotten grapes fell onto the dirt. Medb’s lovely looks twisted up into a grimace, worry wrinkling her forehead and annoyance pulling at the corners of her mouth. “Dear Furbaide, far be it from me to help you kill me better,” she lectured as she sent her Charisma into overdrive with a crack of her whip. “But are you so moronic as to not know how to use a simple rock?”

“Don’t you condescend to me, _auntie._ I’m only doing this because you don’t deserve the dignity of a normal assassination. Thousands of stale bits of food are going to rain down upon your head: one for each day you’ve made me live without the loving embrace of a mother!” Another projectile smashed against Mash’s shield, but this time it stuck to the nigh-impenetrable surface of Mold Camelot. “…is that a tooth?”

“A tooth? I thought I loaded my bag up with stale and rotten meals, how did-”

“Everyone.” Raikou stated calmly, a shroud of blue lightning covering her long, razor-sharp sword. “I’ve figured out where he’s firing from. I will now roast him to a cris-”

“Wait, no! I have an idea!” Ritsuka got up to his feet in the blink of an eye, running out from the great shield protecting him. “Furbaide Ferbend, I would like to propose a truce!”

“A truce?” Medb looked at her trusted master as if he’d asked her what kind of animal the Black Dog was. “Ritsuka, he planned to kill me all his life, what makes you think-”

“In exchange for leaving Medb alone, I’ll let you lay your head in Raikou’s lap!”

Silence hung in the air. No projectiles were hurled. Now everyone was looking at Ritsuka like he said Cu’s father was named after the hero of Star Wars. “M-master, please reconsider,” the matronly warrior said with a quavering voice. “My lap pillow is an honor reserved for a select few. Surely you wouldn’t want.…”

“If it’s for the sake of peace…then we all have to make sacrifices,” the young magus responded, eyes wizened with enough burdens to last five lifetimes. “Giving the people who tried to kill us a taste of heaven is a price worth paying for the end of conflict.”

Her mouth hung open to object, but it closed shut as she nodded gingerly. She slid her blade back into its sheath and laid it by her side as she kneeled, feet tucked under her plump thighs. Medb watched the proceedings through squinted eyes, awestruck at how poorly they grasped the situation. “Wait, wait, wait, I don’t think you understa-”

It was at that moment that a comely young man with adorable pink hair and small horns sprouting out of his head slowly strode out of the woods. For all the unfiltered hatred he’d expressed before, his fine features carried the strain of exhaustion, as if the muscles in his face had borne the brunt of his grudge. Golden eyes stared at Medb, then at Raikou, then at Medb, switching back and forth before his lean, wiry form lumbered on over to the hardened demon hunter and laid his head down in her lap.

“Amazing…I’d heard Furbaide was so beautiful that an opposing army refused to harm him, but words can only do so much justice,” Mash stated, a mild blush smattering her pale cheeks.

“Normally, I’d be a bit jealous,” her senpai replied, also pink in the face. “But yeah. If he’d shown his face before this, we’d have been totally screwed.”

Medb, on the other hand, continued to look down on her nephew in confusion as he enjoyed the comforting cushion of Raikou’s lap. Even the Berserker seemed to smile with genuine fondness at her assassin. Upon noticing his aunt’s bewildered look, Furbaide stared her right in the eyes. “Go ahead and kill me, but know that I will die a happy ma – oh wait, Miss, can I ask you a favor?”

“Yes?”

“It’s a bit embarrassing, but…would you call me a good boy?”

“Well…I suppose I could, my sweet, darling boy.”

The vengeful young man gave a warm smile and closed his eyes. “Ah, now you can kill-”

“Forget it, it’s not fun if you aren’t going to put up a fight,” Medb griped, a defeated flatness to her voice. “Just…don’t spoil that brat for too long. I still haven’t found anything fun in this Singularity yet.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just really like the idea of Furbaide Ferbend having a harsh, vengeance-driven exterior that's the only thing keeping him from being a total momma's boy to any kind older woman he comes across. Jotaro Kujo, but instead of killing you with ghost Superman, he kills you with a piece of frozen cheese. I hope you enjoyed the fic!


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